I put everything and all l have on the table and decided to let the Universe or my higher self handle it. I have to trust in this process and understand that I will never get full confirmation of anything. All I can control right here and now is my perception of that concept and apply it or not to my way of life this time around.
Fear has been slowly chipping away at my essence as it drowns in my tears. Then I had a breakthrough.
I had an experience that cracked me open and made me realize something. I’ve been stopping myself from reaching this mythical state of ‘spiritual ascension’ through love. The state of mind that shows full love, acceptance and trust because we all run from our own demons. Within one person we can see so much; all your own worst fears and ego blocks. Contrary to that little voice inside of you, a lot of us have scarily similar issues and so we are working through the same issues just in different ways. But it’s all connected and it’s all a reflection, we only need open our mind and heart to the message.
I took a long hard look at what I was saying versus what I was feeling and what I’ve been showing and I was very upset with myself. I desperately wanted to and needed to be on this path. But like everything else in my life I’m trying to control how my journey goes and I know now, I just can’t.
The path to ascension is felt not seen
It’s not a destination I will be able to recognize like many pictures of places I’ve been on vacation. I either have to accept myself for me with good intentions and an open heart to assist and be assisted as a way of ascension or I will never feel this place. I’ve traveled all over the world with my body and my eyes but I’m so excited about this place because I know it’s going to be unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I know I’ll be asked to experience it in a way that is unfamiliar but still soul serving to me through my mind and spirit. For once I will be on my way to a place that my camera cannot capture that will require me to “see it for myself” to believe it.
I realize now I don’t get to say how fast or slow we walk on this journey. I don’t get to say, ‘Hey, we’ve gone in a circle 3 times..are we lost?’ I don’t get to say how anyone else gets to experience a journey, I can only invite them to walk alongside me if they so choose. But in choosing that they also must be capable of letting go and trusting their travel companion, me, because they trust themselves, as we are all a reflection of inner selves. It also means I have to trust them because I trust myself reflected back to me from within them.
I trust in the Universe because I am the Universe
Surrender. I’ve read about it extensively and as usual from a conceptual knowledgeable standpoint I get it, at least I thought I got it. But just like reading about versus experiencing, this is very different too. I don’t know that I ever sat and really contemplated what surrendering was going to look like on my journey. Actually that’s a lie. I foolishly convinced myself I’d already done that stage and checked that box, thinking how much more could I give to myself?
I thought I was in a place to make myself feel like I was giving everything but not I’m not in that place anymore. And this is where it comes into play that I can’t control this journey. These lessons can be taught the easy way or the hard way and as I often say, ‘I love a good challenge.’ Even looking at that typed out makes me annoyed with myself…I love a good challenge?? I have to say that, it’s inherent to who I am, to who we all are when we’re not looking closely, to who I’ve always been.
It doesn’t mean it’s who or how I have to be.
The challenge has never been life, the challenge has always been me, myself. Saying that I loved a good challenge was my own ego trying to explain anything to protect itself from the unknown. That way if things got too hard I could label it as “too challenging” and move on. If it was barrable I justified it by saying “if it wasn’t challenging everyone would have it”, and thus placing my ego front and center. And if it was a success in my eyes then the chance was worth it, I had “beat the challenge”, which is a terrible way of saying ‘I think I learned some lessons but it was the hard, complicated, roundabout way and I may have gotten lost a few times but yay I won now onto the next challenge!’ There’s nothing to be won that way, there’s nothing that will serve my soul when I feel like I am ‘winning’ at the challenges of life. I need to be learning from life and growing from within because this isn’t a game to be won.
I’ve been choosing the hard way over and over and over again and I don’t quite know why. I was my own personal prison and guard with the lock and key. I was always choosing the hard way over and over bemoaning about not being offered an easier way. I can only assume based on what I know now that this was a lesson all on its own.
Life, love, acceptance, forgiveness…
All the things in life don’t have to be hard if you are really open to the messages on this journey. I can see all the synchronicities that I want but they mean nothing if I don’t truly look for their message or meaning. Some of them are there to act as detour signs meaning I need to “go” this way and if I do there’s probably a lesson to learn, knowledge to gain, a different perspective waiting for me, or an important interaction at that fork in the road. Some of them will simply be bread crumbs or confirmations that I haven’t gotten lost because I’m terrible with directions!
Which is why I think this journey has been so hard for me. I hate being lost even when it’s just driving around town. I hate the anxiety of the unknown “best” route to my destination. I dread being on alert while driving. All these years I’ve been terrible at reading maps, following directions and getting to places on time. I am aware that this is a flaw of mine. This has been challenging for me but I always thought it was ‘just the way I was’. But really it’s the way I chose to be. The more I surrender, the more it felt like finally I could enjoy the ride, breathe a little easier, not watch the signs as closely because even if I don’t know the way, I could feel I was going the right direction and I trusted that notion.
Take the people we interact with, we attract a magnetic match only because they are slightly so different we feel a pull. I believe that pull is a manifestation of what it is we need to work through. The things that attract us to each other might be the very things that keep us apart. I’ve often viewed the ‘’honeymoon” period in a relationship as a recognition of a familiar soul and a metaphorical “break from life” together. A celebration of sorts. It seems like we are relaxing because we already knew deep down there is going to be work to do and we needed to be ready, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It was like we reached a life checkpoint where we could sit and rest while everything was being saved in the background.
It’s imperative we learn our roles and fully understand when we need to lead or follow. Often people keep trying to lead or follow at the same time and trouble ensues. When we surrender we don’t have to argue about who is leading the way, we enjoy it in any way we’re receiving/giving, we finally enjoy the journey. This is why I think we’ve turned to and continue to turn to that in some form throughout our lives. We remember or at least can recognize that when we are in moments like that it’s taking a break from the journey. It’s the only thing that keeps us on the right path, these breaks, these moments that we need like water on an introspective search for one’s true self. These moments in love.
Who’s behind the wheel?
It’s a shared journey so if one person makes the other drive for too long or isn’t engaging on the ride they’re going to get tired or bored, stifled under the opposite of inner growth. It will become unsafe. This is when we should “switch” seats but this has been where we pull over and argue on the side of the metaphorical road. I wholly believe this is where we usually “break down” and our journey together ends because one or both us say, ‘Fuck this!’, and proceed to take an unknown path in an unmeaningful direction with no real guidance because the person with a piece of the map is now gone. We get blinded by that internal arguing and resentment so much so the journey completely stops and we fail, wandering around aimlessly for who knows how long.
If you close your eyes and really try and surrender to it, I promise it feels like riding with the windows down on a sunny day, wind whipping through your hair, the rays shining on your face. It feels like the best ride you’ve ever had in your life, because it is.